The Biggest Hurdle to "Accompaniment"

It's not that we lack ministries. It's that believing in forgiveness is a tall order.

Previously on One Soul at a Time we talked about the importance of finding places in our parish community for those who are unable to fully participate in the sacramental life of the Church, for however long they might be in that position.

Afterwards I did an assessment of my own parish, which has a few special strengths but nothing astonishing, and it was clear we have all kinds of ways that people stuck in the holding zone can nonetheless be brought into the life of the parish community.

A few examples, by no means an exhaustive list:

Non-sacramental prayer and devotions. Vespers, Adoration, various prayer groups of different stripes, open church during office hours for private prayer and candle-lighting, and though we don’t have any devotional music time for the ordinary folk outside of Sunday Mass, our choirs don’t require any particular sacramental status or statement of faith.

If we were to level it up, it would be to get intentional about reaching out to the wider community and being deliberate in how we invite and guide outsiders to join us in prayer.

Works of mercy. My immediate thought on our number one opportunity to include and mentor Catholics at the margins is through our St. Vincent de Paul Society and the counterpart works being done by Catholic Charities in our immediate area. The wonderful thing about serving the poor is that there is no theology test before you dole out soup or sort donated clothing.

The double-wonderful is that when you are working side by side with someone, there are opportunities for conversations, even on deep or difficult topics, and for friendships to form. If I were picking who to send first to Missionary Disciple training, I’d send my SVDP guys for sure.

Bible study and similar. We’ve got at least four different opportunities for adults (in two languages) spread through the week of purely-Bible-study, and that’s not counting Legion of Mary and similar groups that also provide a level of formation.

In terms of getting intentional about accompaniment, I would look at:

• Support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, but for all the things that people struggle with, which means cooperating with other parishes in the region, because the logistics add up. Not every parish needs to run every flavor, as long as there’s coordinated coverage.

• Bible studies that are low-pressure, low-sharing, and low bar to entry. My go-to would be one of the synoptic Gospels, with the goal of, “We’re just here to find out what it says. What is the real story, straight from the source, unfiltered?” combined with a suitably chill version of Ignatian-inspired meditative prayer at the end (example here, description here).

• Alpha for Catholics and similar.

Fun stuff! In addition to Theology on Tap for the young adults, we’ve now got an all-ages (adult) Catholic Happy Hour that meets once a month, no speaker just fellowship in a relaxed environment. Our parish doesn’t do it as much, but other places do open-access fun stuff for kids and teen and college-age students (VBS, conferences, camps, youth activities throughout the year, etc.). Rec sports should (if you’re doing it right) fall under the fun-stuff umbrella as well.

The thing about the fun stuff is that if your parish is only doing the fun for secular reasons, then you’re competing with the country club and you’re going to lose. Organized Catholic fun has its value because Jesus is at the center. You want to be with other people who share with you the one most important thing in this life and the next.

And doing that leads to the actually-uncomfortable very difficult hurdle to welcoming and including those who are drifting in the spiritual edge-waters.

The Culture of Condemnation

Elizabeth Scalia has an insightful article up at Our Sunday Visitor on the consequences of a conscience-less culture: “How to solve social chaos: Treat people as persons, not things.”

It’s a strong piece and a sound proposal within its realm. But while she was writing that, I was thinking through the emotional reality of that hypothetical new or returning parishioner who is looking for a place in the life of the Church but has some serious impediments to accessing the sacraments.

I imagine that person showing up to serve a meal to the homeless, and finding friends in the kindness and warmth of the others in the kitchen and the dining room. Finding people who know that life is hard and not always pretty. People who know what it’s like to struggle with the consequences of a life gone off the rails at times, and which can’t always be patched up all shiny.

Okay that’s beautiful. But also: This struggling could-be-Catholic is now coming from a culture where forgiveness is not really a thing.

Internalized Demonization

Our wider culture, and far too often our Catholic culture, is immersed in a deadly false dichotomy. We often believe that either “it’s all good” or else it’s time to convict, cancel, and cast out.

If someone is wrong, either they aren’t really wrong, they are just doing an alternate choice, or else they are intolerable.

Thus the sense, for example, of “being rejected” when a couple is told that because their marriage is not valid, they may not receive communion until the situation is rectified in some adequate way.

What we are trying to say: You’ve gotten yourself into a sticky situation, quite likely through good intentions, and unfortunately it’s gonna take some doing to work through all this. We know this isn’t easy, and we’re here for you.

What they hear: You are unlovable and unforgiveable. God hates people like you, and we hate you even more. Go sit in the corner and be shamed.

Where does this come from? Here’s Catholic artist John Herreid making a little joke on Twitter:

Going to start a schtick where I start shaming dads on Instagram for what they feed their kids in the same tone women do. “Papa, no! A burger and fries? Please, please tell me this isn’t a usual thing. Shout out to all of the strong papas out there who hold firm on nutrition”

We already had an unforgiveness problem back before social media. Outrage has always sold, and furthermore in skilled hands it is a powerful way to control the herd and steer them towards your designs — if you don’t mind a blunt and deadly instrument.

In these days of cancel culture, the outrage and unforgiveness is ramped up into hyperdrive.

Meanwhile, the cultural currents within the Church continue to veer between overlooking, ignoring, or concealing sin on the one side, or else indulging in relentless, hope-destroying condemnation on the other.

This is not the way of Jesus.

Both these paths are a falling off of the narrow way.

Middle of the Road Forgiveness and Hope

As I mentioned, I belong to a basically normal parish. We have some really stellar ministries, and we have some things we’re not as good at, but on average our collection of offerings is equivalent to what is on offer in most other parishes I’ve visited.

If you are looking to leverage those offerings, I recommend:

• Susan Windley-Daoust (a reader here) at the Mark 5:19 Project, whose expertise is in strategic analysis of parish mission and structure at the leadership level. Given your parish’s actual strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and opportunities, how can your community reorganize and redeploy to up your evangelization game?

• Marcel LeJeune at Catholic Missionary Disciples for individual and small-group training on the interpersonal skills of how to evangelize, make disciples, and teach those disciples to evangelize and disciple in turn.

But now let me tell you about a success story at my parish, which I had absolutely nothing to do with, and for obvious reasons I’ll keep it anonymous. The pastor asked the representative of a particular sub-community within the parish, “Why do people in your group come to our parish in such large numbers, instead of going to the parish down the road which also serves those in your situation?”

Answer: “Because here we feel respected.”

This is always the way.

Modeling Repentance

Here’s a line from the Apostle’s Creed: “I believe in . . . the forgiveness of sins.”

How do you convince someone that sure, yes, they have sinned, but also: There is forgiveness! You can have done what you should not have done, even something very serious, and you are not chained to that sin forever. It might have life-changing consequences, even, but it doesn’t have to define you. You are not your sin. Your sin is a thing you did in the past, it is not an identity you hold onto forever and ever amen.

Your worth as a human being comes from God’s love for you, which is infinite and everlasting. When He asks you to repent, it’s not because He hates you, it’s because He wants you to be free of that thing in your life that’s dragging you down.

How do we convince a condemnation-weary culture that forgiveness is real?

The only thing I have to propose is setting the example.

Admit to your own sins. Go to confession. Don’t try to pretend you’re all perfect and holy when you’re not. Be thankful for grace and forgiveness from God and others.

Sheesh and that’s the easy part! Even harder: Forgive other people.

For those of us who have a hard time with forgiveness, the nice thing is that the worse you are at doing it, the more practice you get. If your first attempt fails, you’ll have the instant opportunity for a do-over.

And finally, let go of any illusion that somehow guarding the “dignity” of the Church means pretending there are no sinners in leadership. Do they not stand up there and admit to the fact of their sins every Sunday at Mass? They’ve sinned. Some in small ways, some in big ways.

We can believe in the truth of the Catholic faith not because our leaders are without sin, but because it is an article of our faith that in fact they are sinners in need of God’s forgiveness.

The Narrow Road is a Long Road

This isn’t some instant quick-fix. When someone has grown up in a home where complete innocence and total condemnation were the only choices on offer, the possibility of forgiveness is radically weird.

It’s not on their radar.

If the opportunity arises to experience actually being forgiven it will come as a surprise. A new experience.

But even after buying-in on this much better way to live, the old mental habit of “they must hate me” tends to cling.

Barring a miraculous healing, the deep-seated fear of condemnation and rejection doesn’t just flit off into the ether.

So what do we do? We pray for that miraculous healing, and then we just keep on with the repetition: Love, welcome, forgive; love, welcome, forgive; love, welcome, forgive . . . . for, you know, all eternity.

Artwork: Christ and the Samaritan Woman, Lucas Cranach the Elder, public domain. More detailed description here.