The Discomfort of Hospitality
Why is there so much resistance to parish hospitality initiatives, and what can you do about it?
I want to circle back to one of the biggest obstacles to evangelical hospitality: When people in your parish just hate it.
Let’s look at some of the factors that drive this situation.
#1 I was happy how things were.
Here’s a law of parish life you can count on: The people who are currently active, engaged, and living their best lives doing what they do in your parish? They aren’t looking for change. At least not for their own sakes.
They are already content! Things are going well for them, personally.
You might persuade a happy camper to undertake a change for the benefit of others, but they don’t need the change for their own satisfaction, because they are already satisfied with how things are now.
#2 I want my privacy.
I don’t want to wear a name tag because I have safety or privacy concerns.
I don’t want to greet people before or after (or for goodness sakes during) Mass because I use that time for prayer.
I don’t want to engage in social times above and beyond the prayer, study, or service activities I’ve chosen because I’m not looking for new friendships right now — I want to go home and get on with my life.
Frankly, I might have dragged myself into Mass because it is required, not because I would otherwise choose to be here, and I’m honestly not fit for company anyway.
—> These aren’t just the complaints of grumpy old grouches set in their ways, these are concerns founded on genuine needs.
#3 This is way out of my comfort zone.
If I wanted to be a social butterfly, I would have joined the Knights.
I have a disability that makes communication difficult for me, or else that makes other people say insanely stupid or patronizing things to me.
I seem normal enough, but I have no idea how to make small talk. I don’t like talking to strangers. I sound dumb and awkward. I always put my foot in my mouth.
I’ve been burned before on this “parish friendship” thing, and I think it’s better if we don’t go there again.
I don’t have anything in common with anybody. My life is too different, or I am just too weird, or I’m dealing with some heavy stuff that freaks people out.
Again: These are real problems, not excuses.
So what do we do?
Possible Remedies for Parishioner Resistance to Hospitality Initiatives
Possible remedy: Don’t make the change. Good for: Situations where the planned initiative is a bad idea. Sometimes people resist change because they are in fact changes for the worse. It’s always possible you are wrong about your plan, so double check that.
Possible remedy: Develop a thick skin. Good for: Situations where Father or the staff have in fact taken the easy route and gotten to used to letting a core group of prima donnas steer the parish into complacency one tantrum at a time.
Possible remedy: Evangelize the parish leadership. Good for: Parishes where “active” and “engaged” members and leaders are not yet disciples — they don’t see the need for evangelization initiatives beyond their comfort zone because they haven’t gotten into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ themselves.
Possible remedy: Embark on a parish-wide study of evangelization skills. Good for: Parishioners who are open to evangelizing in theory, but have no real idea of how it’s done, or only have a limited scope of possibilities in mind.
Possible remedy: Create options within the hospitality initiative. Some examples:
If the parish is experimenting with use of name tags at Mass (a big move!) and some parishioners have privacy concerns, start with just ministry leaders and self-selected hospitality volunteers (an open category for anyone who wants to be a welcomer), and let first name or nickname-only be an option.
If there is a greeting time before or after Mass, move it to the narthex, patio, or parish hall; if it has to be in the nave, set aside a chapel area for silent-prayer and a means of reserving seats in the church for those who are in private prayer in the chapel until just before the start of Mass.
Designate one or two Masses to be the weekly “welcome Masses” and leave at least one low-engagement silent-mode Mass for those who want to focus on prayer time. (Keep this consistent so people can stick to a routine.)
Set scheduled social times before or after Bible studies or ministry activities, with the explicit statement that you can come strictly for the planned event, or come early / stay late to join the planned additional social hour.
Set aside silent-reflection tables at conferences and large-group studies, where those who prefer to journal their thoughts and prayers can do that instead of engaging in small-group discussion time.
Good for: Gradually introducing changes, and protecting the legitimate concerns of those who can’t or shouldn’t move to a more extraverted style of interaction.
Possible remedy: Offer social skills support. This could include:
Disability, bereavement, addiction, mental health, and other awareness workshops to help unaffected parishioners learn how to quit being such goofballs, led by the people with experience being the one with the thing.
Conversation-starter guides (little handouts with lists of conversation-questions) at social events so that those who aren’t good at small talk and mingling can have an event-endorsed script for getting right into some interesting conversation.
Hospitality team members at informal social times who wander the room and make sure no one is unwillingly sitting alone with no one to talk to.
Good for: People who want to be more out-going and actively engaged, but need a little help to make it happen.
Possible remedy: Offer ministries and support groups designed for those who are dealing with difficult situations. Examples:
Formal support groups for situations where people tend to feel like they are the “only one” (even though they aren’t), such as with addictions, mental illness, disability, serious illness, intense caregiving responsibilities, financial crises, divorce, abuse, post-abortion, mixed-faith marriages, same-sex attraction . . . the list is long. Where appropriate, these can be partnered with outside organizations or professionally-trained group leaders specializing in the area of need.
Prayer, study, and service opportunities that don’t require “sharing with the group,” don’t attempt to dig into hard personal issues, and are open to all-comers, no questions asked.
Good for: People who need to know they aren’t alone (first example) and people who need to engage with God while not being made to bare it all to strangers (second example).
Possible remedy: Be nice to people. What if instead of saying everyone has to do the thing, you were just kind and friendly to the people who have hesitations about the thing? Good for: People who are jaded from past encounters with the parish social scene; people who are used to being badgered all the time and are sick of it; people who are pretty sure no one in the parish would notice if they never came again.
Possible remedy: Just roll with it, not everyone has to play. Good for: That moment when you realize your parish can become an evangelizing powerhouse even if only 30% of parishioners decide to step it up on the hospitality initiatives, and it’s okay to leave in peace those who aren’t ready yet.
Artwork: The hospitality of Abraham, mosaic at the Basilica of San Vitale, Ravenna, photo CC 4.0.
Love the practical wisdom in this! All about changing a culture. Great work, Jen!