What If I Don't Want to Make Friends at Church?

What is authentic Christian hospitality, and where do the introverts fit in?

We’ve been talking about aspects of parish hospitality all spring, and this week I want to answer a sincere question from a regular reader here, paraphrased from private correspondence:

What if I don’t want to make friends at church? A lot of people around me seem to want parish life to be something like Cheers, where everyone knows your name and we all hang out . . . not me. I want to come to Mass, pray, and go home. Is that okay?

I’m going to leave out identifying information to protect this person’s privacy, but before you jump to conclusions let me say that this person:

• Serves regularly in a parish ministry.

• Has a personal apostolate evangelizing non-Catholics and fallen away Catholics.

• Cares deeply about the Catholic faith and about bringing others closer to Jesus Christ.

• Takes relationships seriously and both works hard to maintain strong ties with extended family and longstanding friends, but also regularly reaches out and forms new friendships.

We could have gotten this question from a hopeless introvert? But we didn’t. Just a Catholic who has a lot going on and doesn’t really feel the need for parish-as-neighborhood-bar.

So what about that?

There is no one parish personality type.

One of the points Matt Swaim and Rakhi McCormick made in our episode “Fitting in at Your Parish as a New Catholic” is that when we develop our tactics for becoming a more hospitable parish, we need to make room for those who aren’t ready for social hour.

Because Sunday Mass is a non-negotiable for Catholics, we show up even when we’re tired, depressed, grieving . . . or maybe we just want some peace and quiet.

Likewise, daily Mass, Bible study, sacramental prep, parish ministries, and apostolates in service of the wider community are all places were those who aren’t feeling particularly outgoing should still be able to come pray, study, and serve.

So a parish that only has room for full-bore Club Mode is not being authentically hospitable.

—> In sacramental preparation, in particular, we should be careful not to mistake faith and friendliness. An aversion to hyper-extroverted mixers is not a sign of spiritual indifference.

The point of parish ministry is discipleship.

I do think that there is a need in parish life for opportunities to make friends just to make friends. Many people today are lonely and disconnected, and if you’re looking to make friends, why shouldn’t you be able to get together and do fun things and hang out with other Catholics in your parish? That’s just civilized common sense.

However.

Just hanging out and making friends is not the goal of Catholic parish life. Let me propose that if your parish feels overwhelmingly like a neighborhood bar or the local club, it may be a sign your parish has missed the point.

So. Even though I think it is just fine to have purely-social opportunities within the parish, parish hospitality is primarily ordered towards something else: Helping people become disciples of Jesus Christ in the Catholic faith.

When I slapped together a framework for stages of friendship in parish life and noted that “discipleship friends” is only a possible stage on the path to deep and lasting friendship, I was in no way saying that discipleship itself is optional. The deepest Christian friendships will be between disciples, because it is impossible to share the most profound and meaningful part of your life with someone who is (at present) incapable of entering into that territory with you.

So to clarify: While you may or may not ever pass through a formalized “discipleship relationship” with someone who goes on to become one of your deepest, closest friends, it is to be understood that you as a lover of Jesus Christ need friends who also love Jesus the way that you do. And that means both of you are disciples.

Discipleship is central. Discipleship is not merely one of the things a parish does, discipleship is the thing a parish does.

Furthermore, I insist that discipleship is always a one-soul-at-a-time endeavor. Even when it is a group or a whole congregation that are praying, studying, or serving together, that group is always a collection of individuals, each uniquely loved by God for his or her own sake.

Thus I firmly believe that a parish that is serious about discipleship will end up creating comfortable spaces both for people who want outgoing, bubbly social interactions and also for people who want quiet, calm, and solitude.

Artwork: Pieter Brueghel the Elder, The Wedding Dance. Introverts look at this and think, “Yeah, so another one of his paintings of eternal torment, am I right?”

Related Links

We’re doing Marcel LeJeune this week:

• “5 ‘What Ifs’ That Can Renew The Catholic Church!”

• “Dear Catholic Parishes - STOP Doing These Four Things!” (Full disclosure: My parish held a ministry fair recently, and I found it extremely helpful. So I’m in favor, but as an aid to communication, not a substituting of “involvement” for discipleship.)

• “No More Donuts as Usual” My notes on why if someone can only read one single book ever on parish evangelization, actually it does need to be Marcel LeJeune’s hyperfocus on discipleship. You can ad lib the rest if you must.

Cover art for The Contagious Catholic: The Art of Practical Evangelization courtesy of Ascension Press.

Personal Update -

For those wondering, radio silence was because things are going quite well! I ended up busier than anticipated, 99% good stuff. Life is always good, but I’m particularly enjoying it at the moment.

I’d say it’s a seasonal message but actually it’s my always-message: Here’s praying this missive finds you wrapped up in the Sacred Heart of Jesus. God bless and thanks for reading.