I would love to pick your brain about good *responses* to people giving voice to the lies *while of sound mind*, in particular the forms of “I never want to be a burden.”
(What I have in mind specifically is a person I knew once who, on returning from visiting an aged parent who was a dementia patient, said: “If I ever get like that, please shoot me in the head.” But you can speak more generally if you’d like.)
One of the things I have pushed back on is: Is the person (the object of your pity) actually unhappy? [Often the answer is: No, there's no evidence of that. ] If the person is distressed, what changes could be made to help the person be more comfortable and at ease?
I find there's not one thing that is instantly persuasive, but a whole series of moments when you point out this or that alternate perspective.
I have once or twice just said, "You know, you need to toughen up. Everyone deals with difficult things, man up and figure out ways to make the best of it." But I like to think I save that only for rare moments ;-) And I do acknowledge, even then, that it's fine to grieve! That's perfectly fair. Hard things are hard.
Circling back to: You don't have to accept every form of life-extending care is often helpful as well. I also make the distinction between: Hey, in this situation a feeding tube is awesome because it increases quality life, there are a situations when you really want one, whereas in this other end-of-life context, here are the physiological reasons that it's not a good treatment option, so no, don't worry that it'll be forced on you, gerontologists know this stuff!
A lot of times people with intense anxiety about end-of-life situations actually know virtually nothing about it, so they are imagining worst-case scenarios without any ability to think through problem-solving choices.
And here's an example: An aging relative was adding on a bathroom and hobby area, and I said, "Hey, put in grab bars (or at least the blocking for it) in the new bath and make the door wide enough for a walker or wheelchair." Person responded with, "Oh gosh, that's horrible, I can't imagine having to live like that, that would be just awful." And I pushed back with, "No, the point is that you want to be 88 and still going strong, but if your knee acts up a little or your balance is not quite what it used to be, should that minor complaint force you out of your home and keep you from doing the things you love, when you have a chance right now to be ready for that and make it no big deal?"
It's a lot of perspective shifts.
[Edited to divide comments in two because I was getting truncated]
I would love to pick your brain about good *responses* to people giving voice to the lies *while of sound mind*, in particular the forms of “I never want to be a burden.”
(What I have in mind specifically is a person I knew once who, on returning from visiting an aged parent who was a dementia patient, said: “If I ever get like that, please shoot me in the head.” But you can speak more generally if you’d like.)
I have heard that one specifically many times.
One of the things I have pushed back on is: Is the person (the object of your pity) actually unhappy? [Often the answer is: No, there's no evidence of that. ] If the person is distressed, what changes could be made to help the person be more comfortable and at ease?
I find there's not one thing that is instantly persuasive, but a whole series of moments when you point out this or that alternate perspective.
I have once or twice just said, "You know, you need to toughen up. Everyone deals with difficult things, man up and figure out ways to make the best of it." But I like to think I save that only for rare moments ;-) And I do acknowledge, even then, that it's fine to grieve! That's perfectly fair. Hard things are hard.
Circling back to: You don't have to accept every form of life-extending care is often helpful as well. I also make the distinction between: Hey, in this situation a feeding tube is awesome because it increases quality life, there are a situations when you really want one, whereas in this other end-of-life context, here are the physiological reasons that it's not a good treatment option, so no, don't worry that it'll be forced on you, gerontologists know this stuff!
A lot of times people with intense anxiety about end-of-life situations actually know virtually nothing about it, so they are imagining worst-case scenarios without any ability to think through problem-solving choices.
And here's an example: An aging relative was adding on a bathroom and hobby area, and I said, "Hey, put in grab bars (or at least the blocking for it) in the new bath and make the door wide enough for a walker or wheelchair." Person responded with, "Oh gosh, that's horrible, I can't imagine having to live like that, that would be just awful." And I pushed back with, "No, the point is that you want to be 88 and still going strong, but if your knee acts up a little or your balance is not quite what it used to be, should that minor complaint force you out of your home and keep you from doing the things you love, when you have a chance right now to be ready for that and make it no big deal?"
It's a lot of perspective shifts.
[Edited to divide comments in two because I was getting truncated]